This is how to deal with passive aggressive people

This is how to deal with passive aggressive peopleThis is how to deal with passive aggressive peopleWeve all dealt with it. The subtle manipulations. Always angling to get what they want, but still looking like a little angel. Making you feel like youre the problem or like youre crazy s of passive-aggression are playing the game of emotional get-back with someone by resisting cooperation with them, giving them the silent treatment, pouting or whining, not so accidentally forgetting something they wanted you to do because youre angry and didnt really feel like obliging them, etc. In contrast, covert aggression is very active, albeit veiled, aggression. When someone is being covertly aggressive, theyre using calculating, underhanded means to get what they want or manipulate the response of others while keeping their aggressive intentions under cover.Simply put covert aggressives want to be badeanstalt while looking good.To all aggressives, life is a competition - and they despise losi ng. But the covert aggressive is in some ways the most dangerous type because they dont look aggressive. The teddy bear has claws.So what are their tricks - and what can you do to stop them?Dr. George K. Simon was the supervising psychologist for the Arkansas Department of Corrections. (Yeah, hes dealt with the worst of the worst.) His book is In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People.Time to get overt about the covert. So how do we know when someone is a covert aggressive? And how can we identify their manipulations so we dont fall prey to them?By reviewing their playbook, of course Covert aggressive tactics 101First, a caveat everybody does a few of these things now and then. Just because someone lies once does not make them a pathological liar. Dont run around diagnosing people as pure evil because they occasionally dodge blame for something. Thats just being human.However, if you binnensee a notable, clear pattern of manipulative behavior - a number of these used frequently and consistently - your Spidey-Sense should be tingling.1) Feigning innocence, ignorance or confusionPlaying dumb when something awful they did is called to their attention. When someone who is very sharp suddenly acts oblivious. When someone with a great memory becomes conveniently forgetful.George Simon explains the motive behind it thusly The tactic is designed to make you question your judgment and possibly your sanity.2) Diversion and evasionNever giving a straight answer to a straight question. Always changing the subject when cornered.From In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleManipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas. Sometimes this can be very subtle. You may confront your manipulator on a very important issue only to find yourself minutes later wondering how you got on the topic youre talking about then.3) LyingBut its usually not black and white, straight-up lies. Those are too easy to catch. Theyll lie by omission or distortion.From In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleOne of the most subtle forms of distortion is being deliberately vague. This is a favorite tactic of manipulators. They will carefully craft their stories so that you form the impression that youve been given information but leave out essential details that would have otherwise made it possible for you to know the larger truth.4) Charm and AngerWhy respond to an accusation when you can just distract your way out of it with flattery and humor? If cornered, they may turn to anger. Remember anger is an involuntary emotional response. If you see it suddenly switch on or off without good reason (especially after a previous tactic failed), thats not a sincere feeling - its a gambit. Theyre trying to intimidate and put you on the defensive.5) Playing the victimCove rt aggressives dont mind seeing people suffer. But you hate seeing people suffer - and they know it. So theyll make themselves out to be the one in distress so your compassion becomes their ally.From In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleThis tactic involves portraying oneself as a victim of circumstance or someone elses behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-aggressive partiealities count on is the fact that less calloused and hostile partiealities usually cant stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim youre suffering in some way, and theyll try to relieve your distress.Theyll often combine this with vilifying the actual victim for a one-two punch.6) Rationalization and MinimizationYou want to believe theyre a decent person. That means you are looking for a way to excuse their behavior. And theyre mora than happy to give you one. The y use your natural tendency toward confirmation bias against you.From In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleA rationalization is the excuse an aggressor makes for engaging in what they know is an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it.Minimization is insisting its not that big a deal or youre blowing this out of proportion. To detect minimization, listen for two words just and only.7) Guilt-tripping and ShamingThese two are their favorites. Covert aggressives dont feel bad - but they know you do. And if they send you on a guilt trip, youll ease up with the accusations.From In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleManipulators are skilled at using what they know to be the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and submissive position All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the conscientious person that they dont care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately starts to feel bad.And shaming is putting someone down to make them feel inadequate or unworthy so the aggressive can maintain dominance. The more you feel bad about yourself, the more likely you are to defer to them.So Do you see a consistent pattern of these tactics being used by that special someone? (They will often shamelessly cycle from one to the next, waiting to see what gets a reaction before doubling down.)If so, the best and most effective response is simple but not always easy walk away. No contact. Its quite hard for someone to manipulate you if you never deal with them again.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my bestselling book here.)Yeah, yeah - no contact isnt always a realistic option. Maybe youre married to them and have kids. They work with you and you cant quit immediately. I get it. So we have to do this the hard way Suit up. Were going inFirst, address the big pictureLet go of the misconception that you playing nice is going to get them to play nice. Theyre not like you. If they were, you wouldnt have been nodding your head while reading the above. Treating a Bengal tiger like a kitty cat is a good way to get mauled.Know your vulnerabilities. They already do. If youre prone to being guilted, if youre emotionally needy, too willing to see their side of things, whatever - you need to be aware of that and compensate for it.And most of all, you need to be focused on the one thing that really needs to change here. Think its them? Wrong. What really needs to change here is the only thing you have power over your behavior toward them.(To learn how to deal with psychopaths, click here.)I know you feel screwed. You want to make them pay. Or to just say theyre sorry. Good luck with that. You cant make them do anything. But you can control what you do So what should you do?PrepareFirst thing you need is some boundaries. What will you no longer tolerate? And what will you do if they violate those boundaries? Go no further until you have concrete answers to those two questions.Next, know what you want from them - and be prepared for consequences. If an aggressive feels like theyre losing, theyll do anything to regain dominance. You need to anticipate their moves and know what to expect to protect yourself.Finally, have a support system in place. Youll need someone to provide you with a reality check and some emotional support when your CA realizes youre on to them and starts upping the head games.(To learn how to never be frustrated again, click here.)Okay, prep work is done. What do you do next time youre face-to-face and they start using their black magic?Be on the lookout for tacticsI wouldnt want to say you should memorize that above list of tactics but, um, you should memorize that above list of tactics. Its hard to properly counter something if you dont know its happening.From In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleListen for not necessarily to what your manipulator says. Be constantly on the lookout for tactics. Label the tactics immediately when you detect them. Regardless of the kinds of tactics a manipulator is using, remember this fundamental rule Dont be swayed by the tactics themselves. Reinforce the idea in your mind that the manipulator is merely fighting for something. Then, respond solely on the basis of what you legitimately want or need. Dont react instinctively and defensively to what theyre doing.(To learn the four harsh truths that will make you a better person, click here.)Youre not falling into their traps. Good. But how do you confront them about their latest infraction?Accept no excusesIf you are willing to accept an excuse, theyll just start throwing excuses at you deftly until one sticks. Dont be swayed by rationali zations. Plain and simple judge actions, not intentions.From In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleGetting caught up in what might be going on in an aggressors mind is a good way to get sidetracked from the really pertinent issue. Judge the behavior itself. If what a person does is harmful in some way, pay attention to and deal with that issue. The importance of this principle cant be overstated. Remember, the tactics covert-aggressives use are effective tools of impression-management. They keep you second-guessing yourself about the true nature of the person youre dealing with. So, if you base your opinions on your assumptions about intentions or are swayed by the various tactics, youre going to be deceived about the character of the person with whom youre dealing. Behavior patterns alone provide the information you need to make sound judgments about character. And past behavior is the single most reliable predictor of future behavior.You need to keep the focus of the conversation on them. And avoid using sarcasm, hostility or threats. If youre calm and polite, its much harder for them to say youre the bad guy here.(To learn how to win with a narcissist, click here.)So how do you get them to do what you need - or stop doing what they do?Make sirect requests. Accept only direct responses.Without being rude, be as matter-of-fact and concrete as you can about what you want them to do. Do not give them the wiggle room that they love.From In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleBe specific about what it is you dislike, expect, or want from the other person. Use phrases like I want you to or I dont want you to anymore. it gives a manipulator little room to distort (or claim they misunderstood) what you want or expect from them.A yes-or-no question can and should be answered with one word. If they wont give it, theyre already laying the groundwork for their Houdini escape from the agreement.From In She eps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative PeopleOnce youve made a clear, direct request, insist on a clear, direct answer. Whenever you dont get one, ask again. Dont do this in a hostile or threatening way, but respectfully assert the issue you raised is important and deserves to be forthrightly addressed Most direct, appropriate questions can be answered with a simple direct answer. If you get more than that, less than that, or something completely foreign to that, you can assume, at least to some degree, someone is trying to manipulate you.(To learn how to stop being a pushover, click here.)And whats the final - and single most powerful technique - for dealing with a covert aggressive?Focus on win-winAggressives will often play ball if you have something they want. But if they have to lose, theyll make sure you do too. So you absolutely want to propose as many win-win solutions as possible.From In Sheeps Clothing Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People Remember that an aggressive personality will do almost anything to avoid losing. So, once youve defined some terms and conditions by which the aggressor can have at least something they want, youre half way home. Seeking out and proposing as many ways as possible for both of you to get something out of doing things differently opens the door to a much less conflicted relationship with both aggressive and covert-aggressive personalities.You want an agreement that is clear and enforceable because if theres a way to wiggle out, theyll find it. And whatever you do, dont make promises you cant keep - then theyll have a legit reason to paint you as the bad guy.But as long as you structure the bargain effectively, win-win is the single most powerful tool in your arsenal. Why?Because it puts the unrelenting power of their aggressive personality to work for you.(To learn the secret to overcoming bullies at work, click here.)Okay, weve covered a lot. Lets round it up - and learn how to avoi d the worst possible scenario Sum upThis is how to deal with passive aggressive (actually, covert aggressive) peopleAddress the big picture Stop thinking theyre like you. Address your vulnerabilities. Focus on what you can control - your own behavior.Prepare for the next encounter Establish boundaries. Know what you want. Be ready for consequences. Get support.Be on the lookout for tactics Its really hard to block a roundhouse kick if you dont know what a roundhouse kick looks like.Accept no excuses I dont care why you waterboarded Larry my problem is that you waterboarded Larry.Make direct requests, accept only direct responses Yes or no will do just fine, thanks.Focus on win-win It doesnt force them to learn a foreign language like kindness or altruism. They get what they want if you get what you want. And if they wont say what they want, then its definitely something you dont want.The worst case scenario has nothing to do with this covert aggressive person, actually. Its all abo ut what happens after Nobody likes to get burned twice, so it can seem quite reasonable to keep your guard up. All the time. To be forever vigilant and skeptical of everyone. But this is like fixing your roach problem by burning your house down.Research shows that, over the long haul, trusting is better than not trusting. And starting off mistrusting can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Yes, there are bad people out there youll have to contend with. But as Marcus Aurelius once saidThe best way to avenge yourself is to not be like that.Dealing with bad people should always lead you to do one thingAppreciating the good people in your life all that much more.Join over 320,000 readers. Get a free weekly update via email here.This article first appeared on Barking Up The Wrong Tree.